Well it’s Hogmany and minds turn to resolutions. How can we make 2019 the best yet? What will we give up and what will we take up? Let’s be honest, as humans we’re outcome focused or goal orientated all the time but it seems like we think that the New Year’s bells will give us an extra bit of focus.
This year I’m sitting in a beautiful hotel on the Starbergersee close to Munich waiting to perform for guests to bring in the New Year. It used to be just two of us (me and Frankie), now there’s five. 🤣 Liesl of course makes three and we have also been joined by my best friend Emma and step mum, Linda who are here to help with Liesl and also give me some support. I have lost my confidence a bit truth be told.
Having some time to myself coupled with the New Year has got me thinking about how this is the third Hogmany since my mum died. I can’t believe that it still seems like only yesterday but so much had changed.
My mum gave everything to encourage me to have a career that I was passionate about and not one that just pays the bills. I really realise how lucky I am to have realised this but positive feelings are always interwoven with deep sadness. She never got to see herself as a grandmother and sitting here between the forest and the lake I just know how much she would have loved it in addition to seeing me perform knowing that she made this happen all as a single mother. Today is bittersweet, I achieved my goals and I am surrounded by my favourite people but my most favourite person isn’t here. I know that she is in her own way, we just live in neighbour worlds but it still takes a lot of self management, even three years on to see the positive.
So I think as I bring in 2019 I will allow my life and career to bloom without feeling resentful that she isn’t here to share it will me. I won’t feel guilty and I will stop treating my career like a beautiful building that I am letting go to wreck and ruin through neglect just because I can’t live there with the person who helped me build it.
I will tend to it just like a garden, helping to keep her soul and my soul alive and intertwined through that.
Happy New Year xxx