Something clicked in the last few days with life and particularly with being a mother…. its like when the most beautiful butterfly lands on you and your so afraid to even blink in case it flies away. Well, I spent the last few days admiring this butterfly and letting it trust me and low and behold it has stuck around.
I’m totally bigging this up to be something really profound. It is and it isn’t. Its like the old thing of everyone knows how to lose weight but it takes something to stop us eating the cake, not just the knowledge not to do it (i’m still struggling a bit with this one right now to be honest hehehe).
My struggle had been an uneasiness in this gear shift from being career focussed to being a mother. The achiever within me of course wanted to excel at being a mother and enjoying the time that I have right now to do things that i’ve never had the time to do before. Things like watching a movie in the middle of the day, singing and dancing for no reason or just going for a walk and stopping to admire the wonders in nature.
I was somehow convinced that even although my focus is Liesl now, I had to continue to forge a career and lifestyle that she could be proud of and that I also could be proud of. I went from vowing never to miss a moment of her development because I was mindlessly scrolling through the internet on my phone or worse still, being so distracted because I was thinking about my next project or career move when she wanted to play.
But then I had a lightening bolt moment……Why do I want this career in the first place? Who do I want Liesl to see me as? Am I a fun mum?What will her memories of me be? I was trying so hard to achieve something in the future that I was missing the moments of the present and also missing the opportunity of choosing how I wanted to present myself to her and Frankie and Heather too.
I had become overly disorientated, distracted, serious and really no fun to be around. I get it, I really do know that I am in such a fortunate position the be able to spend this time with Liesl but the worst part is that I was wasting it. I was wasting it on not living in the present moment and more importantly not choosing joy in the present moment. It wasn’t that I wasn’t mindful of each moment, I was but I had a massive resistance to it and where my life was leading me. I would fight with myself every weekday between 9-5 believing that I should be doing some work, work that was supposed to give me greater freedom and joy in the future and yet I have this beautiful little person in front of me who doesn’t own a watch or have any concept of the 9-5 work week. Just an appetite for exploring, laughing and having fun.
And so I decided to learn from her. In tribute to her, I choose fun, I choose singing and dancing and making funny faces. I choose going for long walks in the forest. I choose leaving my phone in the other room. I choose watching Disney films on a Monday afternoon and singing all the songs at the top of my voice…..just because. I choose to smile from the tips of my toes, not superficially in the hope that the next photograph catchs my good side. I choose to be that crazy mum who doesn’t take herself too seriously. I choose fun! I choose her……I choose to be in momentness.